Instead of Dr. Seuss

Aunt Karen was helping Ariel look for wedding vows, and stumbled upon this gem.
Personally, though, I’d say red flag if you’re going to marry a girl and she doesn’t appreciate something like this.

For optimum enjoyment, you really need two people reading this out loud.

“Marty Blase, the author of these vows, writes: ‘My fiancee and I agreed a long time ago that we wanted to write our own wedding vows, and as a spur-of-the-moment idea, I suggested the following. To my disappointment, she didn't quite go for it...’”


THE VOWS
“Pastor: Will you answer me right now
These questions, as your wedding vow?

Groom: Yes, I will answer right now
Your questions as my wedding vow.

Pastor: Will you take her as your wife?
Will you love her all your life?

Groom: Yes, I take her as my wife,
Yes, I'll love her all my life.

Pastor: Will you have, and also hold
Just as you have at this time told?

Groom: Yes, I will have, and I will hold,
Just as I have at this time told,
Yes, I will love her all my life
As I now take her as my wife.

Pastor: Will you love through good and bad?
Whether you're happy or sad?

Groom: Yes, I'll love through good and bad,
Whether we're happy or sad,
Yes, I will have and I will hold
Just as I have already told,
Yes, I will love her all my life,
Yes, I will take her as my wife!

Pastor: Will you love her if you're rich?
Or if you're poor, and in a ditch?

Groom: Yes, I'll love her if we're rich,
And I will love her in a ditch,
I'll love her through good times and bad,
Whether we are happy or sad,
Yes, I will have, and I will hold
(I could have sworn this has been told!)
I promise to love all my life
This woman, as my lawful wife!

Pastor: Will you love her when you're fit,
And also when you're feeling sick?

Groom: Yes, I'll love her when we're fit,
And when we're hurt, and when we're sick,
And I will love her when we're rich
And I will love her in a ditch
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold
Ten years from now a thousandfold,
Yes, I will love for my whole life
This lovely woman as my wife!

Pastor: Will you love with all your heart?
Will you love till death you part?

Groom: Yes, I'll love with all my heart
From now until death do us part,
And I will love her when we're rich,
And when we're broke and in a ditch,
And when we're fit, and when we're sick,
(Oh, CAN'T we get this finished quick?)
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold,
And if I might now be so bold,
I'll love her my entire life,
Yes, I WILL take her as my wife!

Pastor: Then if you'll take her as your wife,
And if you'll love her all your life,
And if you'll have, and if you'll hold,
From now until the stars grow cold,
And if you'll love through good and bad,
And whether you're happy or sad,
And love in sickness, and in health,
And when you're poor, and when in wealth,
And if you'll love with all your heart,
From now until death do you part,
Yes, if you'll love her through and through,
Please answer with these words:

Pastor and Groom: I DO!

Pastor: You're married now! So kiss the bride,
But please, do keep it dignified.”


Ariel loved it, but decided it might be too much of a mouthful for them all, especially since she plans on bawling most of the time.

So she compromised and decided that fun could still be had when the bride’s and bridesmaids’ puppets could all join us during the after-ceremony photos.

I’m still working on getting Pastor Gary to do the “Marwiage is what brings us together today” bit from The Princess Bride (at least for the reception) since he may never again find two people and both their families who enjoy the movie.

I’m giggling just thinking about it.

The Many Adventures of Glorious Garlic

Yeah, so I have this weakness for garlic. It has a bad reputation and is an underappreciated spice in our culture. Plus, it enters the bloodstream and causes bad breath from within, so you can’t pretend like you didn’t eat it.

A couple weeks ago I was caught sniffing Aunt Karen’s jar of minced garlic. I was forced to fess up: “Garlic makes everything better. Except fried eggs. And maybe ice cream.”
But even that is questionable. Someone already beat me to the garlic ice cream.

It’s also good on the roads this time of year. It has a very Hollywood-festive warm-fuzzie community service feel to it. I’m just waiting to hear that someone was run over as they were licking the pavement. But on the plus side, any road kill will be pre-seasoned with a salt rub.

Ringside Seat

It’s no secret—
It takes a lot to get me interested in politics. And it’s almost impossible to get me interested in Illinois politics.
But tonight Ariel popped a bag of popcorn and we sat in our living room, thoroughly entertained by the local and national news featuring our little governor.

Kudos to whoever had enough time on their hands to list the seat for sale on eBay, Craig’s List and other sites—that’s one for your portfolio. Classic.

Oh yes, an evening of good laughs.

Don't try it

It’s a good day when I find a new food I’m not allergic to.

I have a bunch of food allergies:
Corn
Wheat
Soy
Peanuts
Tree nuts
Watermelon
Tomatoes
…and etcetera

So here’s the ingredient label for the new food I can have:

Ingredients: Barley and Spelt Flour, Ground Oats, Chicken Meat, Rice Flour, Chicken Livers, Canola Oil, Beet Pulp, Dried Skim Milk, Apples, Salmon Oil, Tumeric, Tocopherols.

Doesn’t sound too bad; all the ingredients are of U.S. origin, and one snap contains just 24 calories.
Except… of course there is a catch.

Kong brand Stuff’n Puppy Snaps Treats.
I tried the Chicken and Rice variety.

Although they had a nice crispy, fibrous texture from the beet pulp, and a hint of sweetness from the apples and spelt, the salmon oil was overbearing and left a nasty aftertaste.

I wouldn’t recommend them.

Central Illinois Dressing Up for Halloween

Cute, huh? I was impressed when we drove by.

These Jack O Lanterns lined one whole side of their house.

The equestrian statue on a sign for a
stable near Sherman now has a rider.

I snapped this as we flew by, so it's a little blurry, but here's a close up.

On my birthday my family carved pumpkins with me.
This is Auntie Karen’s.
She later spent the whole evening being sick.

Makes ya wonder: does art imitate life or life imitate art?




















And then sometimes it's obvious.

Clearly a take on Wood's painting "American Gothic".

My birthday pumpkins. Top to bottom, left to right: Mom's, mine, Jenna's, Auntie's, and Ariel's.

She has an opinion, folks.

Ariel has been feeling overwhelmed with planning a wedding, staying on top of her huge amount of school work, and building and furnishing a home by New Year’s.

So I’ve been trying to help out some, as I imagine maids of honor are supposed to. I’d been noticing that I was making a lot of lists for her, and quizzing her about certain things just to let her know that YES she does have an opinion.
Last night it got a little intense as I typed out 25 pages worth of lists and organizational material.

Here’s my favorite list. It was decorated with a skull and crossbones with frowny faces as bullet points:

Ariel HATES:

• FAKE PLANTS
• White picket fences, wicker baskets, daisies, garden theme
• Poinsettias
• Snow theme
• WICKER at all
• Folding white paper wedding bells
• Very much sparkle and glitter
• Florescent lighting
• Slide show = hate x 3
• Synthesizer piano
• Other special music
• Professional videographer
• Garters
• Throwing bouquet
• Dead animals beyond the front door
• Tux
• Ring bearer, flower girl
• Male/female wedding toppers
• Crafty, kitcheny look (got the buzzer noise)
• Confetti
• Floor covering on the aisle
• Those little paper dove things can very easily look cheesy/tacky

Musical Tourette's

I have a song for everything. Seriously.

I was cleaning my room a little and organizing some papers, and found I was singing these two songs. See? A song for every walk of life. Even my subconscious has a sense of humor.

An Irish one:
Old Maid in the Garret

Now I've often heard it said from me father and me mother
That the going tae a wedding is the making of another
Well, if this be true, I will go without a biddin
O kind providence, won't you send me tae a wedding

Chorus: And its O dear me, how would it be,
if I die an old maid in a garret

Well, there's my sister Jean, she's not handsome or good looking
Scarcely sixteen and a fella she was courting
Now she’s twenty-four with a son and a daughter
Here am I— forty-five and I've never had an offer

I can cook and I can sew and I can keep the house right tidy
Rise up in the morning and get the breakfast ready
There's nothing in this whole world would make me half so cheery
As a wee fat man to call me his own deary

So come landsman or come pinsman, come tinker or come tailor
Come fiddler or come dancer, come ploughboy or come sailor
Come rich man, come poor man, come fool or come witty
Come any man at all that will marry me for pity

Well now I'm away home for nobody's heeding
Nobody's heeding and nobody's pleading
I'll go away home to my own bitty garret
If I can't get a man, then I'll surely get a parrot



And a Civil War one:
The Invalid Corps

I wanted much to go to war,
And went to be examined;
The surgeon looked me o'er and o'er,
My back and chest he hammered.
Said he, "You're not the man for me,
Your lungs are much affected,
And likewise both your eyes are cock'd,
And otherwise defected."

Chorus:
So, now I'm with the invalids,
And cannot go and fight, sir!
The doctor told me so, you know,
Of course it must be right, sir!

While I was there a host of chaps
For reasons were exempted,
Old "pursy", he was laid aside,
To pass he had attempted.
The doctor said, "I do not like
Your corporosity, sir!
You'll "breed a famine" in the camp
Wherever you might be, sir!"

There came a fellow, mighty tall,
A "knock-kneed overgrowner",
The Doctor said, "I ain't got time
To take and look you over."
Next came along a little chap,
Who was 'bout two foot nothing,
The Doctor said, "You'd better go
And tell your marm you're coming!"

Some had the ticerdolerreou,
Some what they call "brown critters",
And some were "lank and lazy" too,
Some were too "fond of bitters".
Soime had "cork legs" and some "one eye",
With backs deformed and crooked,
I'll bet you'd laugh'd till you had cried,
To see how "cute" they looked.

The Cheese Factor

Botox gone bad?


Nope, just mini cheese wheel wax casings adjusted by Ariel.

Things that make me happy (in no particular order):

1) Being able to leave home and hang with Jennna and Auntie
2) Laughing with Ariel
3) Snuggling with Mommy
4) Getting free-will affection from Daddy
5) Breyer’s chocolate ice cream
6) Driving up and down hills
7) Sitting in an automatic car wash
8) Making supper for my family
9) Going to Hobby Lobby
10) Starting a new journal
11) Accomplishing something I’m scared of
12) Reading a book in the bathtub
13) Painting for fun
14) Buying flowers
15) Playing in the dirt
16) Long walks outdoors
17) Joking with Keith
18) Throwing knives
19) New crayon smell
20) Play-doh
21) Making sheep/goat/or UFO noises with Ariel
22) Bellowing Dr. Seuss opera
23) Waltzing/prancing/dancing around the house
24) Baking pastries for people who can eat them
25) Writing funny blogs
26) Goodwill shopping with Ariel
27) Herbal tea when I’m sick
28) Learning a new thing a day
29) Receiving a compliment
30) Blazing my own trail
31) Clean sheets
32) Warm horses’ faces
33) “Big people hugs” with Jenna & Kestners, Emilie hugs & Best hugs with Ariel
34) Sugar cookies
35) Helping people
36) Saving loose change
37) Standing in the rain
38) Reading children’s picture books with silly voices
39) Frozen yogurt squeezers
40) Silly walks
41) Having strangers smile warmly at me
42) Singing hymns
43) New office supplies
44) Ariel’s “warm fuzzies”
45) Blasting away on saxophone and clarinet
46) Millet bread
47) Big band music
48) Memorizing Bible verses
49) Admiring colors and trying to describe them
50) Plumbing and toilet paper
51) Sunrise, sunset
52) Catching up with friends
53) Wild fruit
54) Peony fragrance
55) Unexpected cards, notes or correspondence
56) 50’s movies
57) Cotton
58) Smell of New Salem homes
59) Swinging on a swing
60) Climbing trees
61) Going barefoot in grass and moss
62) Finding/preparing hostess gifts
63) Getting packages in the mail
64) Ibuprofen
65) Clean drinking water
66) chapstick
67) checking out an armload of books
68) days off school
69) decorating my bedroom
70) taking pictures of people
71) fixing grammar and punctuation
72) laughing at business and buildings whose lights are out
73) efficient time management
74) puppies
75) Aldi’s chocolate bars
76) Having people remember my name (extra points if they pronounce it correctly)
77) Bucking the system
78) St. George Island
79) 50’s doowop groups
80) 50’s fashion
81) Modern fashion
82) Looking at portraits
83) Making fun of myself
84) Herbs
85) Watching thunderstorms
86) Riding in a car with someone who likes driving
87) Going to museums
88) Smell of gunpowder
89) Fireworks
90) Retellings of Beauty and the Beast
91) Camping out
92) Foreign/ethnic music
93) Hand lotion
94) Playing games with friends
95) Exploring things in cities
96) Doodling
97) Romantic comedies
98) A clean bedroom
99) Sunshine and 65 degree weather
100) Making new friends
101) The smell of leather
102) Very good choirs
103) Listening to an orchestra tune and warm up
104) Salty smell of the ocean
105) 1st through 5th graders
106) Old fashioned architecture
107) Omnimax theaters
108) Popsicles
109) A foot of snow
110) Beach towels
111) Strawberry-banana juice
112) Strawberry-peach frozen smoothie
113) Spelling a word correctly
114) Learning new vocab
115) Using new vocabulary properly in a sentence
116) Changing a recipe and getting compliments
117) Shower gel
118) Day dreaming
119) Writing silly fiction
120) Blowing straw wrappers at people
121) Wellies
122) Writing a paper I know is good
123) Productive restroom time
124) 8 hours of sleep
125) Finding a pair of classy cheap comfy shoes
126) Sweet dreams
127) Butterflies
128) Eating healthy food
129) Seeing frisky horses
130) Crossing things off lists
131) Driving in snow (in a front wheel drive)
132) Reading someone’s mind
133) Jinxes
134) Smell of state fair
135) Cooking appliances and utensils
136) Certain antiques
137) Birds’ nests and eggs
138) Chicks and ducklings
139) Pamela’s Pancake mix
140) Pamela’s Brownie mix
141) Pamela’s bread machine mix
142) A good hair day
143) Skirts and dresses
144) Finding a pair of jeans that fits just right
145) Peach orchards & peach slushies
146) Crisp air on fall morning
147) Pumpkins and gourds
148) Page-boy hats and fedoras
149) Making cards
150) Cider slushies
151) Inventing words
152) Looking at noses
153) Homemade vanilla ice cream
154) Quality products
155) Flailing before falling
156) Butchering other languages
157) Yelling at deer
158) Farmers’ markets
159) The produce aisle
160) Bubbles
161) Massages of any kind
162) Researching
163) Having a flashlight, knife or duct tape when you need it
164) Huge T-storms
165) Tornadoes
166) Accents
167) Food nerdery
168) Finding I have things in common with people
169) Yogurt parfaits with strawberries
170) The thought of a veggie wedding bouquet
171) Goodwill clothes that don’t look like they’re from Goodwill
172) The name Rodency Bythany
173) My poofball haircut--Thanks Ariel :D
174) Encouraging others and being encouraged in spiritual walk
175) Good natured name calling
176) Experiening God's graciousness... and being aware of it
177) Crossing things off my lists
178) Taking photos of weather!
179) When someone can do math
180) A day when I don't hurt quite so bad
181) Quote books
182) Juggling projects
183) Homework you can do in bed
184) Home-canned fruit and veggies
185) A phone call with PERFECT timing
186) Bubble wrap
187) Cardboard boxes
188) Unexpected hugs from little kids
189) Praying with pre-teens
190) Seeing a puppet show
191) Creating decent allergen-free replicas of my favorite foods
192) When someone apologizes
193) A very good stretch
194) Analogies, mnemonics and word-pictures
195) Killing nasty bugs before getting bit or stung
195) A book with a happy ending
196) Graphic design
197) Effective communication: a clear conversation, a powerful advertisement
198) Impromptu cheap games
199) Eating meat with the carnivorous Willems
200) Being able to see how God has worked in my life in hindsight

Now I know why some artists dope up

Kissing cousins

When I had emergency surgery a few years ago, I drew a picture of myself on Morphine while I was on Morphine. I promised JEK I'd put it on here, but I haven't found it yet.

So here's one Jenna said should go to the quote book:

JEK's family apparently isn't all into kissing each other. Which I think is weird since five out of the six of them are female, but whatever. Jenna and I are apparently moderately kissey with family and close female friends.

JEK said, "If I came home from college and all my sisters suddenly kissed people, I would freak out."

I was trying to get to the bottom of it.
"Jaclyn, is it because it's taboo or something? Or just something your family never does? What's the deal?"

"It's not taboo... we just don't... ever do that."

Wracking my brain for some analogy to link it to my own life I asked, "So it's like my family and sports?"

Do you ever just get the feeling that time is dragging?

I tried to defragment my laptop.

I'm pretty sure this is what it looks like when technology back-talks.

Or Else

Sinage in Florida frequently made me laugh.

I love this one. It sounds like a fanatical homeschool mother.

Priceless

Who says family bonding has to be expensive?

Who says mockery isn't fun?

Ariel and I used to spend a lot of time singing Dr. Seuss-style operas while cleaning the house or doing homework. We aren't with each other very much anymore, but when we are, it usually gets commemorated in some weird way. I just came across this poem we wrote about a month ago. If you don't catch on, it's based in the style (or lack of style) of post-modern poetry. It sounds pretty decent, but it's actually just a bunch of snippets of our conversation with each other throughout the day.

The Poem of Today 8/21/08

There was a cow
She was my friend
In the crystal blue of the ocean
Her name was Shaniqua.
You float like a butterfly
On steroids.
Let’s negotiate; I’ll get a paper
They like hair gel
How do you
Know a cockroach’s preferences?
The bathroom is filth-wretchedness
Like two-week-old bologna in the hands
Of an orphan in Africa
To eat cold SPAM is far worse
Now that I know what I was looking for
And that it won’t be found, I will progress.

He's Some Pig

My mom withdrew a big chunk of change from an account at bank A, and transferred it to an account at bank B. Bank A gave her a choice of souvenirs.

She chose the rechargeable pink pig flashlight.

So ask yourself, what is Bank A trying to communicate?

Just... no.

Um...? It's a nice bike.

But they do demonstrate the need for this Literarcy funding.
(On all three signs around the store.)